Dear people who bug me,
You know who you are. You're the ones who have to have the last comment in a conversation that tops everyone else's. You think your answer to a question is so superior and you are so smug when you reply. Guess what? You stopping the conversation is not clever or awesome... it's annoying. You are not some great thinker who just happened to pull out the best answer ever... you're a jerk. We're all talking and having a conversation and it's fun. When there is that awkward silence after your answer, it's not because we're standing in awe of you and thinking how smart you look. We're thinking that you're an A-hole and wish we hadn't tried to be nice to you. Some examples you say? Sure! Here are some scenarios!:
1. Me: "Oh Wow! Your baby is due soon! That's great! Have you picked a name?
Annoying person: "Yes. We're not telling/ we're keeping it a secret."
What I want to say: "Oh really? Because I am just DYING to know. I can't live without knowing because I really care that much about what you name your little anklebiter (not). Seriously Dude, can't you just lie a little like a normal person and say 'Oh, we haven't decided yet' instead of trying to make me feel unworthy of knowing your spawn's name? Really, I was just asking to be polite."
2. Me: "Happy New Year! Have you made any New Year Resolutions?"
Annoying Person: with superior attitude "My New Year Resolution is to not make resolutions."
What I want to say: "Oh wow! That's so clever! Did you just make that up, because I TOTALLY haven't ever heard that before! (not) Dude, just say no. That's all. Or make a little effort and just make one up. I don't care. You don't have to be an ass about it."
3. Me: Oh! You're pregnant! Congrats! Are you hoping for a boy/girl or that the baby gets her curly hair/his dimples?
Annoying Person: "Oh, we just want a healthy baby"
What I want to say: "Oh really? Because I thought everyone would rather have a cute one than a healthy one (not)! I didn't know it was an either/or type of thing... Good thing you put in the healthy request thing, because with you two as parents, the baby's going to look like a beast anyway. You know you can still have opinions about the baby right? You can think it might have blue eyes like the dad, or be athletic like the mom. That's what I wanted to talk about. Not hear your cliche and stupid smug answer. I pretty much already gathered you wanted a healthy kid. But you know what, I don't really care that much, so good luck with your monkey baby.
4. Me: "Happy Valentine's Day!"
Annoying Person: "Ugh, I hate Valentine's Day. It's just a meaningless commercial holiday that capitalist pigs have put into play so the unsuspecting masses pump millions of dollars into the card business. If you really love someone, you should show them love all year long and not just on that one stupid, made up day!"
Me: "Oh! No kidding? So I guess my husband failed when he got me that Valentine's Day card that said "Here's your card, better make it last all year Biotch". Because I had no idea that once we started celebrating Valentines Day, it meant that he didn't have to love me the rest of the year. We totally only talk to each other on that day, because I thought THAT is how a meaningful relationship works".
That's all I can think of now. I don't know why stupid people have been bugging me lately. Now, I know none of you actually reading this are stupid (because you are my friends, and I do not have stupid friends lol) But, I'm sure you know someone who is a stupid, annoying person. So, feel free to sign this letter too ;)
Signed with love,
Crazy Bunny Lady